One thing you should know about me is that I kind of really dig Harry Potter. And by “kind of really dig” I mean that I’m absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter. Like, I have read the series 13 times. Like, I saw Deathly Hallows, Part 2 three separate times alone before seeing it about 4 more times in theaters with actual friends. Yeah.
It shouldn’t be too surprising then to hear that one of the first things I did after moving to New York was visit the awesomely amazing Harry Potter Exhibition in Midtown, though I’m still a little peeved that they didn’t choose me to try the Sorting Hat on. Apparently I was deemed too old for such fun and got snubbed for a bunch of fucking little kids with missing teeth. ‘Cause, you know, they grew up with Harry & Co. like me…
There is a prologue to this story, though. Harry Potter: The Exhibition has returned to New York City for a second go-around. Better yet, they are hiring! Fuck trying the Sorting Hat on, everyone’s favorite piece of magically enchanted clothing is about to become a permanent fixture on my nightstand. Maybe I can somehow finagle the Whomping Willow out of there to put in my apartment’s back patio. It would blend in seamlessly with the usual decor of crushed Coors Light and forgotten flip flops.
So what exactly does the position entail, aside from the obvious of magical misadventures?
Exhibit Hosts must have an authentic British accent at all times! Ideal candidates will have some familiarity with the Harry Potter™ films, and work well in direct contact with the general public. The Exhibit Hosts will work in several positions, rotating about every hour into another position. Staff must be in place whenever the exhibit is open; an authentic British accent will be used at all times.
NOTE: You will be on your feet at all times while working.
So essentially you just need to have heard of HP at some point in your life and be able to bust out a British accent? Bloody hell! Good thing my brother and I only ever speak in British accents whenever we talk on the phone! And I must be pretty good at it because I never get any weird looks from people on the streets when I’m doing it. Or maybe it’s just New York and no one could really give a fuck about what weird shit I’m doing/there’s some chick who walks around SoHo topless so faking a British accent isn’t really on anyone’s radar. Besides, the job requirements are right up my (Diagon) alley!
You must be able to maintain an authentic British accent for the duration of your shift.
We’ve been over this. My British accent is ace. BLOODY HELL! WANKER! BOLLOCKS!
You must be able to continuously carry and hold a lantern weighing up to 10 pounds while delivering lines from a script.
Well, this is a bit confusing. Am I holding the lantern weighing up to 10 pounds in one hand while reading directly from a script in the other hand or am I spewing lines that I have memorized from a script while holding a lantern weighing up to 10 pounds? How many kilos is 10 pounds? Either way, I think I can handle it. I kind of do that gym thing, plus I was just home recently so I’m really swoll. I’m in peak physical condition. Bring it on, lantern weighing up to 10 pounds.
You must be available to work during a required training period in the last week of October (exact dates to be determined).
Ehhhh, will this conflict with my Halloween plans? I’ve been working on my Winky the house elf costume for months now.
Headshots/Resumes may be emailed to: firstname.lastname@example.org by October 5, 2012. Please put “exhibit host” in the subject line.
You must be able to work from November 1, 2012 through April 7, 2013.
I’m sure I can work that out with GQ. I can just tell them I’m working on developing a story on life after Harry Potter or something. After reading this Pulitzer-worthy piece, I’m sure they’ll be knocking down my door to assign me some sort of high-profile story anyways.