If you have ever worked in an office building during the month of March, odds are you’ve dropped $10 into the communal cap with the hopes that your brackets—and pride—won’t bust. But the real question you should be asking yourself is, Which bracketier am I?
1. The Soccer Douche
If you think college basketball is madness, you clearly have never watched a Champions League match! Glory, glory, Man United!
2. The Insufferable Bragger
Kevin was the backup point guard on his backwoods high school team that once made it to the New York State, Section III, Class D Sectional Semifinals game—except that was two years before he even made it on to the varsity squad. He went on to play intramural’s in college. He never won a t-shirt. Kevin is basically the Skip Bayless of the office—talks loudly, but doesn’t actually know shit.
Eliminated: Round of 64
3. The Moocher Bro
He’s the guy constantly inviting you out for drinks after work that swears he knows someone who knows someone that can totally get you into that hot club this weekend if you want to tag along. He also knows that the only shot he has at winning any money in this year’s office pool is if he comes to you for help with his bracket. What this really means is that he expects you to fill out his entire bracket for him, which will inevitably result in him flipping out once he realizes you picked Minnesota over UCLA/Pittsburgh over Gonzaga/Davidson over Marquette and reversing all your picks (Hint: these are upsets you should have).
Eliminated: Round of 32
4. The Homer
Their brackets look great and they seem like the obvious front-runner to take the whole pot until T.J. Sorrentine comes in and fucks everything up, bouncing your would-be Champions in the first round. The only thing that stings worse? Keith Smart.
Eliminated: Sweet 16
5. The Boss’s Assistant
Sure, skeeze on the hot, leggy blonde all you want by offering to help her fill out those long, complicated brackets. What you don’t know: she was raised in Indiana with three older brothers and knows way more about the sport of basketball than you could ever hope to. And yes, you did just blow your chances of ever getting her on a first date.
Eliminated: Elite Eight
6. The Secret Statistician
He’s never even picked up a basketball, but he operates in a world of logic and watches enough college ball to know what the hell he is doing. Another plus: he doesn’t let his emotions or personal allegiances get in the way of making him some dough come March, most likely because he went to some fancy, D3 liberal arts school.
Eliminated: Final Four
7. The Unassuming Viper
Carol is the sweetest. She brings homemade cookies every Friday. Her desk is always stocked with candy. She remembered that Red Velvet was your favorite flavor of cupcake on your birthday. Carol also picked Santa Clara over Arizona in ’93, Princeton over UCLA in ’96, and Northern Iowa over Kansas in ’10. Carol is kind of a bitch.
I grew up in Syracuse. Winters suck in Syracuse. I mean, who invented lake effect snow? Seriously, knock that shit off. But with the temperature dipping below freezing also comes the Syracuse men’s basketball team. I love the Syracuse Orange. I mean it. I have about 47 different t-shirts to prove it. #IBLEEDORANGE. My father loved the Syracuse Orange before me, and his father before him, and his father before him. We never sit down or stop clapping until we score our first bucket, no matter where we may be (I apologize to my coworkers any time Syracuse has a day game during the middle of the week).
As I give so much of myself over to my beloved Orange, naturally I run the risk of being taken on an emotional roller coaster any time they step on the court. This was especially true during their past two games, an instant classic at Louisville and a nail biter in the Dome against Cinci. Therefore, I present three natural reactions, caught candidly, of a Syracuse fan:
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Frankenstorm made her presence known last night and wreaked havoc on New York City. That is, every section of New York City except for my neighborhood, the Upper West Side. Instead, Sandy was a little wind, rain and a huge thorn in my side for 24 hours. Here are the top 20 reasons why Sandy sucked, in no particular order:
ESPN’s Jane McManus recently published an article titled “Tim Tebow might play at RB.” In the article, Tebow is quoted as saying, “It’s not something that’s been talked (about) or planned or worked on at all, so probably not.”
This has been an Excellence in Journalism moment.