THE SEVEN PEOPLE IN YOUR OFFICE POOL
If you have ever worked in an office building during the month of March, odds are you’ve dropped $10 into the communal cap with the hopes that your brackets—and pride—won’t bust. But the real question you should be asking yourself is, Which bracketier am I?
1. The Soccer Douche
If you think college basketball is madness, you clearly have never watched a Champions League match! Glory, glory, Man United!
Eliminated: NIT
2. The Insufferable Bragger
Kevin was the backup point guard on his backwoods high school team that once made it to the New York State, Section III, Class D Sectional Semifinals game—except that was two years before he even made it on to the varsity squad. He went on to play intramural’s in college. He never won a t-shirt. Kevin is basically the Skip Bayless of the office—talks loudly, but doesn’t actually know shit.
Eliminated: Round of 64
3. The Moocher Bro
He’s the guy constantly inviting you out for drinks after work that swears he knows someone who knows someone that can totally get you into that hot club this weekend if you want to tag along. He also knows that the only shot he has at winning any money in this year’s office pool is if he comes to you for help with his bracket. What this really means is that he expects you to fill out his entire bracket for him, which will inevitably result in him flipping out once he realizes you picked Minnesota over UCLA/Pittsburgh over Gonzaga/Davidson over Marquette and reversing all your picks (Hint: these are upsets you should have).
Eliminated: Round of 32
4. The Homer
Their brackets look great and they seem like the obvious front-runner to take the whole pot until T.J. Sorrentine comes in and fucks everything up, bouncing your would-be Champions in the first round. The only thing that stings worse? Keith Smart.
Eliminated: Sweet 16
5. The Boss’s Assistant
Sure, skeeze on the hot, leggy blonde all you want by offering to help her fill out those long, complicated brackets. What you don’t know: she was raised in Indiana with three older brothers and knows way more about the sport of basketball than you could ever hope to. And yes, you did just blow your chances of ever getting her on a first date.
Eliminated: Elite Eight
6. The Secret Statistician
He’s never even picked up a basketball, but he operates in a world of logic and watches enough college ball to know what the hell he is doing. Another plus: he doesn’t let his emotions or personal allegiances get in the way of making him some dough come March, most likely because he went to some fancy, D3 liberal arts school.
Eliminated: Final Four
7. The Unassuming Viper
Carol is the sweetest. She brings homemade cookies every Friday. Her desk is always stocked with candy. She remembered that Red Velvet was your favorite flavor of cupcake on your birthday. Carol also picked Santa Clara over Arizona in ’93, Princeton over UCLA in ’96, and Northern Iowa over Kansas in ’10. Carol is kind of a bitch.
NATIONAL CHAMPION
